You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
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If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
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I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
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