I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
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Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
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If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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