ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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