ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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