gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize