Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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