I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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