I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
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Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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