Tap Here to view the Mobile Optimized TFLN
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Follow @tfln