shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
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You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
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I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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