im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
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It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
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all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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