Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
two words...techno handjob
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
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We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
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I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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