If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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