I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
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He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
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I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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