I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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