Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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