highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
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I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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