I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
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