i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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