whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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