M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
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he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
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Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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