I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
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you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
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I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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