Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
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I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
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This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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