Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
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