Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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