Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
She needs sedatives and a leash
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize