My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
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