how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
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his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
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I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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