apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
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He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
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Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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