I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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