Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
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Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
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We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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