I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sacagawea was the original milf.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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