If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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