I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
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My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
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Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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