i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
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He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
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I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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