Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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