My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
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Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
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I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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