Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
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Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
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I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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