All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
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She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
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I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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