stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
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I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
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the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
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