I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
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doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
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Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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