And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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