U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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