these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
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her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
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If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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