I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
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the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
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