genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
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Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
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Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
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