So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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