you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
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And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
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So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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