I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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