i wish there were pregnant emoticons
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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