Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
How naked do you want me to be?
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